Do you have a work dilemma, career quandary, or are facing challenges in the office? The i Paper’s work column answers readers’ questions with leading experts in careers and workplace psychology. Email questions to [email protected]
Work has become a burden in my life – the stress is genuinely making me ill. I have trouble sleeping and my brain is so foggy like it’s wrapped in bubble wrap. I fell into a job at this company after I graduated and have just plodded along, climbing the ladder every so often, until now – 15 years later. I’m a middle manager and have three reports.
I would absolutely love to hand in my notice and retrain or take some time out, but it’s just not realistic. I have a mortgage to pay, mounting bills, and everything feels so terrifying out there in the job market that I’m worried I’ll never be able to get back on the ladder. My partner and I are also currently trying for a baby right now, and my company has good maternity leave. But I sometimes feel so trapped and hopeless in doing something every day that doesn’t fulfil me.
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Helen Mumford Sole coaches the top leaders and board members of Global 500 companies like Coca Cola Enterprises, UBS as well as high growth startups. She has also been adjunct Professor of Happiness at Eugene Lang, The New School in New York. Helen answers all the big questions about work on Instagram via @mumfordsole as well as on TikTok @mumfordsole.
I’m sorry you find yourself in such a difficult set of circumstances. It sounds like you’ve become trapped in a vicious cycle, where work has become the source of such stress that is affecting your wellbeing and energy levels – and is threatening to cast everything you think about in a negative light.
For that reason, the most important place to begin is by working out how to manage your stress so you can raise your mood. This is the thing that is stopping you from finding your way out – and the one thing you have the most control over. Sometimes, we can’t change our circumstances, but we can change how we feel about them.
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I would start by doing an audit of any unhealthy habits you might have developed, and work through how you can change those. It goes without saying that eating more healthily will make you feel better, but exercise in particular, if you aren’t doing it already, will help you burn off the excess cortisol and adrenaline that’s pumping around your body when you’re unhappy – plus it naturally tires us out.
Then prioritising sleep, through a nightly routine that could involve a bath, a book, and perhaps some guided meditation – but no other screen use – will help you get the rest you need to help you think more clearly about your future plans.
If the effect of work stress is really serious, it would be work speaking to a doctor, to try and access some from free therapy through the NHS – and considering more formal ongoing therapy if you need it.
Then you can get the clarity to work through what a change in circumstance might look like, and how you can initiate that. Try and get into a headspace where anything could be possible – that’s when we do our best thinking. Finances and family plans might of course be considerations, and I’m not discounting them at all, but I don’t want you to feel like you are stuck where you are because of them.
We can influence more than we think we can, and when it comes to conceiving a baby, nature doesn’t always work to a schedule – getting pregnant could take time. So rather than stewing in your unhappiness, start making plans, and worry about the maternity leave when that becomes a real part of the picture.
If anything were possible, what is it that you would like to do? What is that vision of a role or a company or a career that would feel fulfilling? If it’s not something you can name yet, you could list the ideal attributes of your dream job, while noting what it is about your current role that you enjoy. For example, coming up with lots of ideas, or whether it’s actually not managing anyone, and working more independently.
Then you can research possible jobs that fit those attributes, and start understanding what salaries they pay, and what you need to have done in order to secure that job. What would it take for you to retrain or redirect into that, and what would the financial and time implications of that be? Going through this process will enable you to envisage what your dream future would be like, so you can map out what you have to do to get there.
For further guidance, I would recommend Simon Sinek’s books and courses on finding purpose. I would also explore the Japanese concept of “ikigai”, which is all about landing on what sparks joy in your life.
Now you have that in place, you can start thinking about reality. What do you have to do to make this possible? Speak to your partner about the options. Would you be able to downsize to a smaller house and mortgage? Perhaps activating your plan is not realistic now, for all the reasons you mentioned, but today looks so much more palatable when we know we have a plan for tomorrow.
Sometimes we do have to do things we don’t want to do for our own reasons – staying in jobs we’re not happy in because of the money – and that’s when the stress relief work I talked about will be essential. The goal with that is to look at the current situation through a new lens, because very seldom is everything terrible. It’s about changing the balance of where our attention lies. It’s the reason more people are turning to gratitude journaling, because over time, you can start to see patterns of what makes you happy, and you can become intentional about doing more of that.
I also wouldn’t write off what your current company can do for you beyond provide maternity leave and help pay your mortgage. You say you’ve been there for 15 years, so I would expect you to have built some goodwill. You’re obviously valued in some way, highly regarded even. You might know the company well enough to see how you can navigate towards some of those ideal attributes you are thinking about. If you start to ask for things, and show how they would offer value to the company as well as yourself, you just might get them.
Again, this kind of thinking and having these conversations requires you to be in a positive headspace, so it all circles back to taking care of your wellbeing. Honestly, that is what I would prioritise – doing what you can to get yourself into the best physical and mental space, so you’re in the strongest position to move forward.
2025-05-12T05:45:44Z